ELTA - Mačva - Funny Stories & Jokes

Funny Stories & Jokes

CARTOONS

www.britishcouncil.org/learnenglish-central-cartoons-animal-archive-01.htm

Supplement for Basic English Dictionary : Woman's Dictionary

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

Dirty Coffee

A customer ordered some coffee in a café. The waiter arrived with the coffee. and placed it on the table. After a few moments, the customer called for the waiter.

'Waiter,' he said. 'There's dirt in my coffee!'

'That's not surprising, Sir,' replied the waiter. 'It was ground only half-an-hour ago

A Cure For Baldness

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance they looked like hares!

Support Bacteria!

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Actual Newspaper Ads

The following ads acutally appeared in newspapers:

ILLITERATE ?
Write today for free help.

AUTO REPAIR SERVICE.
Free pick up and delivery.
Try us once, you will never go anywhere again.

DOG FOR SALE
Eats anything and is fond of children

STOCK UP AND SAVE.
Limit: one.

SEMI ANNUAL AFTER XMAS SALE

DINNER SPECIAL.
Turkey $3.25;
Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00

FOR SALE:
Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

NOW IS YOUR CHANCE
to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

GREAT DAMES for sale.

TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF?
Let me do it

FOR RENT:
6 room hated apartment

WANTED:
Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink

OUR BIKINIS ARE EXCITING.
They are simply the tops.

AND NOW, the superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

WE WILL OIL your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1

Report Cards

These are real comments made by teachers on their student report cards.

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

3. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.

Importance Of Punctuation

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

Silent Partner

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

Extra Ingredient

*A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said: "Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"

"Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."

Some Questions...

If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

What do you call a fish with no eye?

FSH !

(Do you need an explanation? What do you call a fIsh with no I? .... )

It Says So In The Bible

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"

They think we did it

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

Funny One Liners

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
Today my teacher yelled at me for something I didn’t do.
What was that?
My homework!
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Gravity always gets me down.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
If you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
When climbing the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your skirt!
My job is secure. No one else wants it.
Sometimes I wish life had subtitles!

Grateful Husband

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck.

The Dead Rabbit

One day a man was driving down the road in a hot red convertable.He was driving 15 mph when a rabbit that hopped in front of his car. As the man swerved the rabbit swerved also and was run over. The man got out of the car and started crying "OH-MY-GOD... OH-MY-GOD!!!!"

Just then a blonde drives up and asks him what's wrong, when he tells her she says, "Oh I can fix that." She goes to her car, pulls out a can and sprays the rabbit with it.

It instantly comes alive and hops off, but every five feet it turns back to wave, before finally dissappearing into the forrest.The guy is amazed and says, "how did you do that?" The blonde just tosses him the can and drives off. The can says "Hair Spray: Guarenteed to bring your hair back to life and create a permanent wave."

Useful Advice

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes."